When I was a junior in high school, I went on the traditional "Junior Retreat" that students have been going on for generations. Junior retreat covered a lot of things and tried to help people open up, but one of the main points that was emphasized was for everyone to "remove their mask." At the time I didn't feel like this little lesson applied to me...I never tried to be someone I wasn't; I never tried to change who I was; I never tried to fit into crowd. It wasn't until 4 years later that I realized how very wrong I was.
It wasn't until college when I was studying abroad in Europe that it finally dawned on me how much I had tried to "modify" myself when I was a teenager. I may not have been trying to fit in with the main popular crowd of high school, but I was trying to fit in with the group that I had become friends with. I would say and do things not because I REALLY wanted to, but because I thought that's what other people wanted and that they would like me more for it. Thank goodness I had a good group of friends so those actions didn't involve horrible decisions like drugs or sex, but nonetheless, I still wasn't allowing myself to be completely me. Whether it was to make more guy friends or fit in with the band better, I was always saying things that I thought people wanted to hear, doing things that I thought people wanted to see. This all continued all the way until college. No part of my life really seemed to be for me.
Ever since I had this little epiphany in college, I feel that I've grown tremendously as an individual and am much more comfortable with who I really am. Still, I have my moments when I'm a bit unsure of myself. Sometimes (although much less frequently), I'm unsure because I still worry about what other people will think of me. But more often than not, I'm unsure because I catch myself wondering if I'm truly doing something because I want to or if it's just because other people want me to. When you realize that you've spent so much time wearing a mask, it can be hard to tell what your actions are that are really you and what are just the remaining bits of the mask.
I've also begun to realize that this process of discovery may never end; that we discover more and more of who we are throughout our entire lives. And that's ok. At least I can say that, as of two years ago, I finally began this process of self-discovery. The cool (yet kind of ironic thing, too), is that wearing a mask actually helped open me up to new things, things that BECAME a part of who I am. I'd like to share a few of the things I've found - things that have always been there and things that have popped in more recently. Those that I list here I mention mostly because these are the things I tried to hide (or maybe play up more, depending on what it was), because I thought the people I wanted to like me, wouldn't like me otherwise. Now, I embrace all of them, and guess what...those people that I was so afraid of losing I am now closer to than ever. Some of these might seem really random or not that big a deal, or even superficial...but even superficial things can become so much deeper if you're playing up those that aren't true. And they mean something to me, in one way or another. So here's a few fun facts about me:
1. I am not a tomboy and never have been. I tried play it up in high school like I was, but no.
2. That being said, I'm not a girly-girl either. I really enjoy getting dressed up in fancy clothes or cute outfits, but I don't need clothes and make-up to make me happy.
3. I'm a scaredy cat. This is one of the things where the mask actually helped me, because I can now put my fear aside a lot and try new things. But I really am paranoid, particularly about getting hurt. I don't know why - I always thought it would be cool to have a cast ;)
4. I don't mind getting dirty at all, as long as I'm having fun/working hard/doing good/any combination thereof while I'm getting dirty. And as long as I get to shower afterward.
5. I love trying new physical challenges like running and proving myself and pushing myself farther...
6. But I am HORRIBLE at any sport that involves a ball. I can watch it on TV, can't play.
7. I'm not a pyro. In fact, I'm actually terrified of fire. This terror has decreased over the years and I now think that fire is really cool, but building a fire, lighting fireworks, etc etc...once again, I'm a scaredy cat. I'm working on it, though!
8. I'm not witty, and I really wish I was. I have my moments of genius, sure, but not normally. For example, I only come up with good comebacks 20 minutes after I need them.
And that's just a very random sampling. I hope I can tell you all more about myself as I (hopefully) blog more!
