A Glass Case of Emotional New Beginnings

It's been a while since my last post, and since then, I think it's an understatement to say that a lot has happened. In the grand scheme of things, most of these happenings have been positive and exciting. But the process of getting through these life events has been one of the most stressful periods of my life, and I'm relieved to say that I think this tsunami of chaos is finally coming to an end.

Not to worry, I'm not writing this to rant about my woes and complain...especially since so much of what is currently in my life are good things. No, I'm writing to tell you about some of my musings I've had now that I actually have time to slow down and think things over.

I have to admit that this move, combined with the rest of my life being particularly busier than usual, has been incredibly overwhelming for me, both physically and emotionally. I've cried more in the last month than I care to admit, with more than one minor mental breakdown; I've been perpetually exhausted; and I've managed to get 3 migraines in the span of 2 weeks, when I hadn't had my last one in 3 years. I won't bore you with the details of why I was so overwhelmed - if you want that side of the story we can get together and drink a bottle of wine - but the truth is that I was. But as I sit here in my new apartment comfortably curled up on the couch, I'm able to heave a sigh of relief that this wave of absolute madness seems to finally be over (aka I can finally finish unpacking!). I'm also able to look back on it all and reflect, as well as look forward to what's to come.

Now that I'm finally on my own, I'm realizing that I can officially begin to start doing all the things I talked about while I was waiting for my life to start. First and foremost, it's time to regain the independence I feel like I've lost over the last year and a half, to get my own plans started. I can finally begin to get a social life back again, and hopefully meet new people along the way. I live within walking distance to the closest metro, opening a door of endless possibilities of things to do (I think it's time to make a DC bucket list). I can begin rolling forward with planning my life and what I want to do next, what I want to accomplish. The list goes on and on. But getting down to the bare bones of it, all I can say is this...I did it. I moved out of the house, got out on my own, and somehow managed to survive the physical and emotional beating that the last few months have brought upon me.

But along with this moving forward, I have a lot of reflecting to do on this whole experience. A lot of my flaws and insecurities came up, and they still rest with me as I sit here now. How will I move past them? How will I grow from them? How in the WORLD will I get my head back on straight after the mental headcase I've become? Honestly, I think this is the first step. Getting the chance to breathe, collect myself, figure out what went right and what went wrong, then get off my ass and move forward (literally and figuratively...my running has taken a back seat in all this). Or in the wise words of Anthony Bourdaine, which can be applied and interpreted in many different ways to my life, "Open your eyes, get off up the couch, move."

Removing the Mask

When I was a junior in high school, I went on the traditional "Junior Retreat" that students have been going on for generations. Junior retreat covered a lot of things and tried to help people open up, but one of the main points that was emphasized was for everyone to "remove their mask." At the time I didn't feel like this little lesson applied to me...I never tried to be someone I wasn't; I never tried to change who I was; I never tried to fit into crowd. It wasn't until 4 years later that I realized how very wrong I was.

It wasn't until college when I was studying abroad in Europe that it finally dawned on me how much I had tried to "modify" myself when I was a teenager. I may not have been trying to fit in with the main popular crowd of high school, but I was trying to fit in with the group that I had become friends with. I would say and do things not because I REALLY wanted to, but because I thought that's what other people wanted and that they would like me more for it. Thank goodness I had a good group of friends so those actions didn't involve horrible decisions like drugs or sex, but nonetheless, I still wasn't allowing myself to be completely me. Whether it was to make more guy friends or fit in with the band better, I was always saying things that I thought people wanted to hear, doing things that I thought people wanted to see. This all continued all the way until college. No part of my life really seemed to be for me.

Ever since I had this little epiphany in college, I feel that I've grown tremendously as an individual and am much more comfortable with who I really am. Still, I have my moments when I'm a bit unsure of myself. Sometimes (although much less frequently), I'm unsure because I still worry about what other people will think of me. But more often than not, I'm unsure because I catch myself wondering if I'm truly doing something because I want to or if it's just because other people want me to. When you realize that you've spent so much time wearing a mask, it can be hard to tell what your actions are that are really you and what are just the remaining bits of the mask.

I've also begun to realize that this process of discovery may never end; that we discover more and more of who we are throughout our entire lives. And that's ok. At least I can say that, as of two years ago, I finally began this process of self-discovery. The cool (yet kind of ironic thing, too), is that wearing a mask actually helped open me up to new things, things that BECAME a part of who I am. I'd like to share a few of the things I've found - things that have always been there and things that have popped in more recently. Those that I list here I mention mostly because these are the things I tried to hide (or maybe play up more, depending on what it was), because I thought the people I wanted to like me, wouldn't like me otherwise. Now, I embrace all of them, and guess what...those people that I was so afraid of losing I am now closer to than ever. Some of these might seem really random or not that big a deal, or even superficial...but even superficial things can become so much deeper if you're playing up those that aren't true. And they mean something to me, in one way or another. So here's a few fun facts about me:

1. I am not a tomboy and never have been. I tried play it up in high school like I was, but no.

2. That being said, I'm not a girly-girl either. I really enjoy getting dressed up in fancy clothes or cute outfits, but I don't need clothes and make-up to make me happy.

3. I'm a scaredy cat. This is one of the things where the mask actually helped me, because I can now put my fear aside a lot and try new things. But I really am paranoid, particularly about getting hurt. I don't know why - I always thought it would be cool to have a cast ;)

4. I don't mind getting dirty at all, as long as I'm having fun/working hard/doing good/any combination thereof while I'm getting dirty. And as long as I get to shower afterward.

5. I love trying new physical challenges like running and proving myself and pushing myself farther...

6. But I am HORRIBLE at any sport that involves a ball. I can watch it on TV, can't play.

7. I'm not a pyro. In fact, I'm actually terrified of fire. This terror has decreased over the years and I now think that fire is really cool, but building a fire, lighting fireworks, etc etc...once again, I'm a scaredy cat. I'm working on it, though!

8. I'm not witty, and I really wish I was. I have my moments of genius, sure, but not normally. For example, I only come up with good comebacks 20 minutes after I need them.

And that's just a very random sampling. I hope I can tell you all more about myself as I (hopefully) blog more!

I am Incredibly Blessed...

Today was a particularly frustrating day at work. As a matter of fact, most days lately have been frustrating. I'm over it, and there's no end in sight. But as I sat there grumbling to myself and pulling my hair out, I was hit with an epiphany....

I am incredibly blessed.

I've known this for a long time, but today was a day when it truly hit me. A wake-up call from God to remind me that even though my job isn't the greatest, I have so many other wonderful things to be grateful for.

I am incredibly blessed......

...to have the best family and friends anyone could ask for.

...to have a beautiful and comfortable home to live in.

...to even HAVE a job with a paycheck and benefits.

...to have a loving father who still lets me live at home while I save up money ;)

...to be able to save up money so that I can live comfortably and have fun -- or more likely to put to use when I have to eventually get my future car fixed.

...to have good health.

...to have had the chance to study abroad and travel.

...to have food on the table.

...to have earned a college degree.

...to have many fun and wonderful memories.

...to live in a free country.

and the list goes on and on and on.

Thank you, God, for giving me so many wonderful blessings and for allowing me to live a happy and joyful life.

My Cooking Nemesis

Cooking is one of my favorite pastimes. While I don't do it as often as I'd like (Dad usually has dinner ready by the time I get home from work), I do enjoy it immensely. I don't claim to be a great chef at all, but for the most part cooking comes pretty easily to me. Just the other night I tried a brand new dish that my dad couldn't stop raving about. I think baked goods are a particular strong point, and I'm getting better at family recipes each time I try them. Still, even the best chefs have something that they just can't seem to master - so you can imagine that a novice like me is bound to have some issues.

I've made plenty of mistakes while cooking, everything from burnt cookies to undercooked (or overcooked) meat. But usually, if I mess something up the first time, it doesn't take me too many more tries to get it right. But there's one recipe that is ever-elusive of my mastery - the omelet.

When one thinks of an omelet, it seems like a pretty simple dish. Beat some eggs, cook them in a pan, and toss in your favorite ingredients. But let me tell you from experience - it is not that simple. AT ALL. Omelets have become the bane of my cooking existence.

I've tried making this tasty meal countless times, and along the way discovered just about every way you can mess them up. Not having the eggs spread evenly enough; overcooked eggs; undercooked eggs; too much cheese (if I'm saying this you know it's possible, even if it doesn't seem possible). And of course, the classic - you go to fold your omelet, the eggs rip to shreds, and you simply hang your head, accept defeat, and settle with the fact that you're going to have scrambled eggs instead. Each of these events ultimately delivers a painful sting to the would-be omelet creator's pride that takes at least a few days to heal.

I decided that tonight would be a good chance to try another attempt at taking on my nemesis (yes, I said tonight. I think I actually make omelets more for dinner than for breakfast). I got home late and wanted something that could be prepped quickly. I was on a roll as I bustled through the kitchen - everything seemed to be going right, and as I slid my finished omelet onto my plate I couldn't help but admire its beauty.

I sat down at the table, so excited that I may have finally made the perfect omelet. But as I got a couple bites into it I came to a horrible realization - the eggs were slightly undercooked, and I instantly knew where I messed up. When you make an omelet, you're supposed to have some of the egg left slightly undercooked before you fold it. Your ingredients cook into it, it's easier to fold, and it eventually cooks through as the complete omelet rests in the pan. But I had turned the heat down too soon and didn't let the omelet sit in the pan long enough. I was once again slapped in the face by failure.

While this moment of dejection is no easier than the others, I'll never give up. I have to reach my goal of cooking the omelet well enough so that I can serve it to other people. I'll continue to battle my nemesis until I'm victorious.

A Getaway Close to Home

If you live anywhere in the DC area, you've probably heard of the ever-popular Rock Creek park. About 5 minutes from my house lies an important piece of this park, Lake Needwood. For years Lake Needwood was nothing more than a convenient shortcut to avoid the rush hour traffic of Averi Road. But last week, my dad and I decided to drive through the park just so that we could take the scenic route home. As I looked around, I was blown away by how green and beautiful everything had become with the warm spring weather. I also realized that I had never taken the time to come and enjoy the park - I had always driven through it without a second thought. I decided right then and there that I would make it a point to take a trip to Lake Needwood to enjoy it for what it was meant for - and I'm not talking about a traffic cutaround.

Normally when I make these types of promises to myself, it takes me weeks, if not months, to finally do what I said I would. But not this time. This time it only took me two days. Thursday was when Dad and I drove through the park. Friday was when I tossed the idea out to my friend David on our morning commute. Saturday afternoon David and I were on our way to the park to take advantage of our local gem.

After we drove around for a few minutes trying to find the ideal parking spot, we finally made up our minds and took to the walking trails. It felt SO GOOD to be outside and walk through the beautiful nature scenes. And it was so nice out! We wandered around, trying different trails, soaking in the nature, and enjoying the beautiful lake views. Our hike eventually led us down to the boathouse where my breath was truly taken away. We didn't rent a boat that day since we were short on cash, but we walked out on the dock and just sat on the water. I must admit, I couldn't believe I was in the middle of Derwood. As we looked ahead of us, all we saw was the lake and trees. I actually had to remind myself that I was still in the DC area and not hundreds of miles away in some random rural lake spot. It was AWESOME, and so relaxing!

Honestly, I'm not sure what blew me away more - how beautiful our little Lake Needwood Park really is, or the fact that I had never taken advantage of it before. I've lived in this neighborhood since I was six years old, and that's probably one of the last times I was actually at that park to play. I've had my driver's license for 6 years and I've driven through that park countless times going to school and work - but this is the first time I took advantage of such local beauty. It was quite the wake-up call!

If you're in the area and you're looking for a quick city getaway, I highly suggest checking out Lake Needwood (or any part of Rock Creek Park for that matter). It's a great little oasis in an otherwise chaotic region. I know I plan on going back again soon. I need to take advantage of those boat rentals!

Perspective

Every once in a while, I have my moments when I get ridiculously upset over something completely stupid. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I get this feeling deep down like I'm ready to just break out into a temper tantrum. I try not to let other people see me when I'm in these abnormally bad moods, but usually I do let myself vent it out in private, take a breather, realize it was a stupid thing to get upset at in the first place, and move on.

Today, that little thing had to do with football. One of the playoff games that I REALLY want to watch (Broncos vs. Patriots) is on at the exact same time as my company's (belated) holiday party this coming Saturday. I've heard nothing but good things about this party in the past (not to mention the fact that it's held at the Ritz), but the fact that it was getting in the way of football time really ticked me off. And apparently I HAVE to go to this thing. Ugh. That just shows you something about my personality - I'd much rather be at home or at a sports bar watching football than at a party at the Ritz.

While I was steaming over the oppressive working world making me go to this party, I was basically letting my temper build up more and more. That way I could just get my venting session over with and move on, especially since I knew that I was getting far too upset over something so small. But just as I was working up to my boiling point, I saw something that struck me back to reality in an instant.

I went onto Facebook and was scrolling through my news feed when I saw something I didn't expect. Someone had posted a status that the son of the offensive coordinator for the Packers had gone missing yesterday...and his body was found today. I looked into the story further, and sure enough, Joe Philbin's 21-year-old son Michael was gone. Here I was worrying about not being able to watch a football game when the games were probably the last thing on the mind of a football professional.

I moved past my moment of pure insanity, but it was not through the short session of rage I had originally expected. It was through a solemn reminder of what true pain and anguish really is. A life lost too young, a son lost too soon. While it's ok to be excited and passionate about our sports teams, we need to remember that behind those sports teams are real people that suffer real tragedies - more than just the loss of a game.

My condolences go out to the Philbin family and they are all in my thoughts and prayers.

A Little Bit, A Lot of Times

I must admit that this year I didn't exactly take the time to come up with any sort of New Year's resolution. But I just had a minor stroke of genius that could actually pass for a New Year's resolution, so I'm just going to go with it, even if it is a few days late.

One of my biggest flaws in life is that I can still be a bit of a slob, even at 22 years old. Despite living with my semi-OCD, sickiningly-organized father for my entire life, my bedroom usually still looks like it's placed in the middle of Tornado Alley getting hit by F5 storms on a daily basis. For most of the summer, I wasn't too concerned, thinking that I would eventually find the time to spend a whole day or two just attacking my room full force and getting it clean. After all, I'd done it several times before. Unfortunately, life in the real world turned out to be much busier than I expected, and those full days that I planned to dedicate entirely to cleaning my room never came.

Several people had suggested that I just clean a little bit at a time, but I continuously brushed them aside. All previous attempts to follow that method had failed miserably, and I figured it wasn't even worth trying again (not to mention the fact that I usually like to follow the "go big or go home" way of doing things). But with such a lack of time and such a big mess, I just had to admit that I had a long war ahead of me and that I would have to fight it a battle at a time.

The first battle was getting and keeping my floor clean. I needed space, so one day I just said, "Screw it. Even if I get nothing else done, I have to get my floor clean." I successfully finished in a relatively short period of time, and I continued to clear my floor for a few minutes each day. Recently, I started a separate project on my desk. Each night I've been grabbing a small stack of papers off my desk and sorting them into a box by my bed, keep and trash, before going to sleep. It only took about 10 minutes a night, and shocker, my desk is already much smaller. A little bit a lot of times is actually working!

So tonight, I realized that I don't just have to apply this method to cleaning my room. One of the biggest things that's been bothering me lately is that I haven't had time to write - blog or journal - and I'm far too much out of practice. So rather than spending tons of time on my long and verbose entries, I'm thinking I'll write more posts that are smaller (even though this one is beginning to drag on). I'm not sure how interesting or well-written they'll be at the beginning, but hopefully it won't take long before I get back into the swing of things and I can tell better stories again. I also plan on applying this to other fun things in my life like working out, reading, sorting pictures, etc etc. I can already see progress in all of them!

So as it turns out, no matter what you're trying to achieve, a little bit is always better than nothing - and it always seems to pay off! Still don't think it could ever work? I just rolled a bunch of coins that I had lying around the house and I'm ready to head to the bank!